I’m Too Blasted Classy For This Nonsense


Vulgar insults are a two-edged sword: sure, they can cut someone down to size, but they reflect poorly on the person giving the insult. For many people, that’s not a problem. Many are proud of their vulgarity.

I am not one of those people.

There is nothing I love more than a witty, classic insult that allows the speaker to appear dignified as well as confounding the intended target. Here are several of my favorite clever comebacks from well-known classy people.

Feel free to use with abandon.


“The woman speaks eight languages and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.” – Dorothy Parker

“I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea, with no other provisions in sight.” – Mark Twain

“He has delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” – Jack E. Leonard

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar WIlde

“He has all of the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts; for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“Thou hast no more brains in thy head than I have in my elbow.” -Shakespeare

“You know, you are a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain.” – Doctor Who

“You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity.” – Toy Story

“I desire that we be better strangers.” – William Shakespeare, As You Like It


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