How I Deal With Dead Lizards

It’s officially Death By Sunshine season in Florida. The humidity is rolling in full force and the only acceptable time to be out and about is early in the morning and late at night.

The itty bitty lizards around here have discovered they can escape the terrible oppressive heatwaves by crawling under my door and lying on the cold floor at the bottom of my stairs. They have been scaring the daylights out of me as I leave and enter the house. And I leave the house early in the morning, when it’s dark, and have a mini freak-out every time skittery lizardy reptiles run around where I can’t see them.

This morning, I got up early to take a bike ride before work, and found a large lizard sprawled in front of my door. I stared at it, no idea how to progress. I reached over and gently eased the door open to the outside world.

“Go on,” I ordered it, like I was Cinderella and this was some Disney film where animals obey girls who ask nicely. The lizard had never seen any princess movies, however, and just  lay there.

“Alright,” I said, my patience dwindling. I snapped my fingers at it, hoping the noise would scare it away. Nothing. I picked up a small piece of bark and tossed it towards the reptile, and it didn’t move one skittery inch.

It began to dawn on me that the lizard was probably dead, and I’d spent my morning talking to a dead lizard, which was the epitome of sad.

I now had a new dilemma: how do I get rid of this dead creature? I didn’t want to touch it. But it was not going to stay and decorate my doorstep.

I did what every normal human being would do–I poked it with a stick. Then I flicked it out the door with an expression I’m sure was a hilarious sight to behold, and I shook it off my doormat into the bushes, where it landed belly-up and stiff as a board.

“Good enough!” I declared, and covered it with a large leaf. “Rest in peace. And tell your buddies to stay out of my house.”

So now I have a problem of sorts. How am I supposed to keep lizards out of my apartment? Is there… lizard spray? I have to Google this, because I’m tired of running into reptiles every time I leave my house. They usually scamper back under the door when I charge through my entryway, but I get the heebie jeebies thinking they have free reign of my apartment when I’m off hi-ho-ing to work.

As a Wyoming girl, I never dealt with reptiles before. (Are they even really reptiles?) I just dealt with the occasional wind scorpion, maybe a spider or two. A few snakes. That’s the extent of Wyoming creepy crawly life.

But here in Florida there are lizards and cockroaches and who knows what other kinds of odd life.

I guess you could say the Clueless Northerner strikes again! Look out, lizards. I’m about to get educated.


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